So, after about a year in the new condo, things started to unravel like a cheap sweater. We had been in pretty much the same “rut” of day in-day out routines for long enough that there wasn't anything at all interesting about life.
As I stated early on in my posts about our marriage in Colorado, we were never really in love. We were in “like” at best. Maybe its more accurate to say we were just familiar and there was a child involved that we would rather not leave with a broken home complex.
Well, there comes a time when beating your head against the wall 24/7 starts to seam like it might be a less than productive plan of action. She was completely unhinged and on antidepressants...again. They weren't working. I, quite frequently, awakened in the morning to the sweet greeting from my loving wife: “Burn in hell you m*ther f*cker!!!”
Now, lest you think I'm exaggerating for dramatic effect, let me assure you that those were her exact words at least on one occasion, but there were other very similar morning salutations on several different occasions. Keep in mind that I hadn't done anything but be in her presence when she woke up. This is one reason I will never touch antidepressants. I know they help some people, they also turn others into monsters. I won't roll that set of dice.
So, I think you can see how things were working out. I began having panic attacks with regularity about this time. The worst part was that I had no one to turn to except maybe my mother by phone. If I was full of anxiety, the best thing I could do is hide it from my “wife” or risk being ridiculed as a “drama queen.” Yes, it did seem that she was the devil.
I was drinking in earnest by now but it was only helping a little bit. Some weekends were O.K. because we would have friends over to visit, but most of the time I was miserable.
One night everything came to a head. I don't know what the argument was about, but we found ourselves standing in the kitchen. She was across from me next to the sink and the knife block. At some point during a particularly heated exchange, she flung something at me from directly in front of the knife block. The light was low at the time, so I couldn't see well, but it appeared to be a knife.
Honestly, I don't recall what it was, but it was not a knife. However, it hit me in the gut quite sharply and for a second I thought I had been stabbed. That was it. I totally collapsed in a heap and blubbered like a crazy person. This was not the kind of novelty I benefited from.
The fact that I was at the point that I considered it possible that my “wife” would throw a knife at me indicated I was in the wrong place. After a couple hours calming down, we went to bed. The next day we discussed the plan to separate...again.
Within a month we were on our way back to Colorado. Our (her) son was once again going to stay with grandma. I had issues with this, by the way. I still do, but that's another story.
We were to spend a week in Colorado and then I was to leave Tammy there to stay with her cousin (who originally stayed with us.) The plan was to spend at least a few months away from each other. As I saw it, a few months was a start at never, which was obviously the only real option.
And we'll continue this next time.
Don't forget to check out Panic Away to find out how to end panic attacks and anxiety permanently without drugs.
Chris
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