As time went on I realized that I was actually having periods of relative peace. In fact from the ages of about 20 to 22 I'd say I felt more or less “normal.” There was a bit of girlfriend drama around that time, but I don't recall any full blown panic attacks. What I do recall, however, is that I began drinking on a regular basis around then.
I don't believe that I was feeling less anxiety because I was drinking, necessarily, but it might have helped. Either way, the drinking became a habit. It was something that was comfortable and normal for me. That's probably why it turned in to a crutch, eventually.
After moving away from my home town in Southern California in a quest to find myself, I found myself...in Colorado. That wasn't my original destination, but after plan A-E fell through, that's were I landed.
Somehow within months I found myself with a factory job and a turn-key family. I guess I thought I was making up for lost time, but I rushed in to a disfunctional marriage with a problematic stepchild and a live-in relative too.
It wasn't long at all before my regular social and recreational drinking became swilling beer to keep from going nuts amongst the chaos. I remained functional and only drank in the evenings, but it was clear that without it, I was starting to feel the same old anxiety creeping in on me.
Eventually I started waking up with anxious feelings in the morning and struggling through my day. Work sucked. I would be underneath a 150 ton press in “the Pit” standing in two inches of leaked hydrolic fluid and trying to thread a 90 pound die core up in place...all the while thinking “keep it together man...deep breathing.” It was about that time in my life I learned how to refrain from externalizing my symptoms when I had to. Talk about unpleasant...
If you suffer from panic attacks you've probably found yourself in a situation where you just couldn't lose it (even though you were). It's the worst! In fact, being in such a situation is often a trigger in itself. The times I did manage to not lose all composure (outwardly at least) were...well, honestly I can't think of the words to describe it. The thing that I remember most, though, is the feeling of complete disassociation. It was like watching everything unfold on T.V. I couldn't feel my face or hands. Everything sounded muffled. Looking back, I think I maintained outward composure. Nobody said anything.
Anyway, after a couple years of regular drinking, one's tolerance tends to increase. I was drinking a half bottle or so of hard liquor and a few beers every night. This, of course would have an adverse effect on the way I felt the next morning. Eventually, and I don't know how or why, being hung over caused a lot of anxiety. Shaking, dizziness, strange feelings in my chest and guts, and of course, full blown anxiety attacks. I couldn't just feel like crap like I used to a few years before. No! now I had to feel weird, and as we all know, feeling weird is the last thing an anxiety sufferer can handle.
So once again I had trapped myself in a vicious cycle and it went on for quite awhile. After three years I decided to seek medical help. Notice I said “seek” not “find.”
Until next time,
Chris
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