So, I mentioned in my last post that my wife at the time was on psychotropic drugs for depression. Honestly I think she was bipolar, not just depressed, but I guess that's neither here nor there. The important part is that she was impossible to deal with. I gave her some slack because if she had problems, it wasn't her fault. I had problems too and it wasn't my fault (at least not my panic disorder, I had other things that were my fault, of course).
The big problem is that she wasn't a very good person, honestly. If that wasn't bad enough, she clearly didn't love me. Add to that the fact that I didn't love her anymore...probably never did, actually...you get the idea.
Well, one day I decided that I really needed to leave for the benefit of us all. Strangely enough (perhaps not so strangely, I suppose) once I stated my intentions, everything was fine! I mean, I had about a month or so to get everything together and settle our business, so to speak. After the initial discussion, which was a bit uncomfortable, everything seemed just peachy.
Apparently knowing I was leaving was enough to make us feel like we were dating again. No commitment meant no pressure. No pressure meant being able to be ourselves again and not care what the other one thought.
Of course I still had to go. Ironically, the only way for us to to be happy together was to not be together. Life can be complicated.
I tell you this because from the time I left to the time we got back together (oh, yes, there is a story there), I felt mostly just fine.
For about a year I was living back in California as a regular single guy and doing quite well. Now, I had had long stretches without the anxiety or panic before, but the way I went from being a wreck to immediately fine upon leaving Colorado made me think that environmental triggers were playing more of a part in my problem than I had thought.
I was a bit depressed about the divorce for a few weeks in the beginning, but I never experienced any anxiety over it. I even went though about a month of dating my old ex girlfriend, which should have thrown me over the edge (as I look back on the situation. She was...difficult), but I dealt just fine. There was some drama, but no panic attacks.
During my time as a single guy, I did continue to drink. I did, however, moderate it quite a bit. I would mostly drink socially at the pub after work or at dinner. I ate out almost exclusively since I was just renting a room. I had kitchen privileges, but eating out was just easier. This meant that I couldn't get too verschnickered, because I had to drive home. It's also about ten times the expense to drink at the bar than at home.
I really couldn't say if my alcohol consumption at the time (or moderation thereof) played any part in my anxiety status, honestly. It would be nice to be able to point to very specific factors, but as we will shortly discuss, there are certain aggravating factors that are identifiable...Namely, my ex-wife.
It was just over a year after leaving that SHE showed back up in my life...
We'll get in to that next time,
Chris
P.S. Don't forget to check out Panic Away to find out why not even my ex wife can get to me anymore!
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